Singing Telegrams
Someone opens their front door expecting a parcel, and instead there is a woman in a fairy costume with a lit-up tutu holding a fistful of balloons, singing them the Golden Girls theme because their friends decided that was the right song. That is a singing telegram, and I have been delivering them around Baltimore and Washington for years.
How it works. You tell me who it is for, what the occasion is, and what you want said. I learn the songs, put together a costume that fits whatever the joke or the sentiment is, and turn up where you tell me at the time you pick. I sing a telegram-length version of the song, which is what works best on a doorstep, and then there is time for photographs, and nobody’s dinner goes cold.
What you get. Live singing in full costume and character, a card carrying whatever message you want delivered, and a balloon. I arrive about ten minutes early so I am not the reason the surprise falls apart, and I text you to confirm before I set off.
What it costs. A singing telegram is $200, and that covers the costume, one song sung as a short telegram version, a balloon, and travel anywhere within twenty-five miles of Columbia, which takes in all of Howard County and Baltimore. Each extra song is $25, so if you have two or three favorites I can stitch them into a medley. I can film the whole thing and send you the video for $50, a themed costume from my own collection is $50, and a balloon bouquet is $25. If you want me to bring something along, a cake, flowers, a teddy bear, or something custom, you cover what it costs plus $25 for the extra stop. For DC, Virginia, or anywhere further than twenty-five miles out, travel is the IRS mileage rate for every mile from Columbia, each way, plus any tolls and parking, and you see exactly how the number was worked out before you pay. Custom rewritten lyrics are quoted separately. Payment is in full when you book, by Venmo or Zelle.
Valentine’s Day. Telegrams on 13 and 14 February are $275 flat within twenty-five miles of Columbia, booked by 1 February. Those two days fill up fast, so it is worth getting in early.
Where I go. Columbia, Ellicott City, Laurel, Catonsville, Baltimore, Annapolis, Silver Spring, and most of Howard, Anne Arundel, Baltimore, and Montgomery counties, with DC and northern Virginia on the table for the right booking. If you are further out than that, ask anyway, because I have driven a long way for a good one.
When. Evenings and weekends are the whole point of this job, so they are normal and carry no surcharge. Telegrams before 9am, after 9pm, or on a major holiday are $50 extra, and so is anything booked less than twenty-four hours ahead, because a same-day telegram means rearranging the rest of my day to make it happen.
What people book them for. Birthdays mostly, and the big round ones especially. Anniversaries, retirements, engagements, graduations, new babies, apologies that need more than flowers, and a steady stream of workplace send-offs where the entire office is in on it and nobody has told the one person it is happening to.
The singing part is not a novelty. I have twenty-five years of stage experience across musical theatre, live bands, chorale work, and studio sessions, and I front a working cover band in Maryland. The costume is silly on purpose. The voice is not.
Questions people ask
How much does a singing telegram cost?
A singing telegram is $200, including one song, the costume, a balloon, and travel within twenty-five miles of Columbia, Maryland. Extra songs are $25 each, a filmed video is $50, a themed costume from my collection is $50, a balloon bouquet is $25, and bringing along a cake, flowers, or a gift is its cost plus $25. Further out, travel is the IRS mileage rate for every mile each way, plus tolls and parking. Valentine’s Day telegrams are $275 flat.
How long does a singing telegram last?
Short and sweet. I sing a telegram-length version of the song, which is what works best on a doorstep or in an office, and then there is time for photographs. If you have a few songs in mind, I can stitch them into a medley so you get a little of each.
How far in advance should I book a singing telegram?
A few days is comfortable, though I have pulled one together in under twenty-four hours more than once (there is a $50 rush fee for those). December fills up during October, so the holidays are worth booking early.
Can I choose the song?
Yes, and most people do. Requests are normal rather than an imposition, and I will learn something I do not already know. I also rewrite lyrics so the song is about the person receiving it, if that is the kind of thing your family finds funny.
Do you deliver singing telegrams in Washington DC and northern Virginia?
Yes, both are on the table, alongside Columbia, Ellicott City, Laurel, Catonsville, Baltimore, Annapolis, Silver Spring, and most of Howard, Anne Arundel, Baltimore, and Montgomery counties. Travel within twenty-five miles of Columbia is included, and past that it is the IRS mileage rate each way plus tolls, worked out before you book rather than sprung on you afterwards.
What occasions are singing telegrams good for?
Birthdays most of all, and the big round ones especially. After that, anniversaries, retirements, engagements, graduations, new babies, workplace send-offs where the whole office is in on it, and apologies that need more than flowers.
Book one
Call or text 646-875-8872, or use the booking form and tell me the date, the address, who it is for, and what you want them to hear. Give me a few days where you can, though I have pulled together a telegram in under twenty-four hours more than once.
Reviews from people who have actually booked me are on my Google Business Profile.